The 1st Annual Judge Joshy’s
Tonight is the 94th annual Academy Awards and many die-hard fans of the Oscars are disappointed with the current state of the ceremony. So, instead of sitting on my couch complaining to my disinterested girlfriend that it would have been nice if they televised Hans Zimmer’s first Best Score win in 27 years, I took matters into my own hands and produced my own humble film awards ceremony. Folks, please enjoy the 1st Annual Judge Joshy Awards.
The 1st Annual Judge Joshy’s is held live at Buffalo Wild Wings at 1832 N. Clybourn in Chicago, Illinois. The audience is dressed to the nines in unwashed hoodies, worn out flannel shirts, and Target graphic tees. Although, most people are here to watch March Madness, everyone here has been undoubtedly touched by the wonders of cinema and promise of delicious buffalo wings. B-Dubs was nice enough to offer a reasonably discounted House Sampler to every attendant. All attendants also get three drink tickets that can be used for a draft beer or well cocktail (no doubles).
Unlike the Oscars, our budget did not allow us the luxury of three hosts. However, we technically have two.
Folks, please welcome the hosts of the Judge Joshy’s: Tom Hardy and Venom from Venom: Let There Be Carnage. Both are a little sauced and Venom’s jokes about rising COVID rates don’t go over quite well but they do win the crowd back by buying singing a surprisingly tender rendition of “I’ve Got You Under My Skin.”
Finally, time to give out some awards. The Judge Joshy Awards is a fast paced seven award show. This was done because we only had rented the Buffalo Wild Wings for two hours.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Despite this being the first Judge Joshy ceremony, Judge Joshy himself has been giving awards in private for years. Presenting the acting awards this year are last year’s winners.
To present Best Actor in a Supporting Role, last year’s Supporting Actress Winner Candace Bergen.
Candy doesn’t leave her seat to present the award because she just ordered a Gibson. Here are the nominees (winner in bold):
Bradley Cooper, Licorice Pizza (At Buffalo Wild Wings. Got a root beer and a Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich)
Anders Danielsen Lie, The Worst Person in the World (Not at Buffalo Wild Wings since he’s too buys being a doctor)
Mike Faist, West Side Story (At Buffalo Wild Wings. Got the All-American Cheeseburger and a vodka soda)
Simon Helberg, Annette (At Buffalo Wild Wings. Got six boneless wings Honey BBQ and an IPA)
Jeffrey Wright, The French Dispatch (Not at Buffalo Wild Wings. Probably didn’t open the email that he was nominated)
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
To present Best Actress in a Supporting Role, last year’s best supporting actor and manager of this very Buffalo Wild Wings, Paul Raci.
Mr. Raci is in a rush because one of the servers called out and he’s taking some tables (he’s a good boss). Here are the nominees (winner in bold):
Ariana DeBose, West Side Story (At Buffalo Wild Wings. Got ten boneless half spicy garlic half mango habanero and some fries)
Kirsten Dunst, The Power of the Dog (At Buffalo Wings but had dinner before hand. Jesse Plemons asked her to get some stuff to go)
Ruth Negga, Passing (At Buffalo Wings but only drinking)
Mia Wasikowska, Bergman Island (Obviously not at Buffalo Wild Wings)
Park Yu-Rim, Drive My Car (Not at Buffalo Wild Wings. Too busy eating with her husband in the movie)
Tom Hardy and Venom are back out to do some crowd work! They pick this guy named Cole who for some reason immediately mentioned he went to Miami University of Ohio. He said it’s cool that Bradley Cooper is here but just wanted to watch the basketball game.
BEST SCREENPLAY:
Out of sheer laziness, The Judge Joshy’s does not discriminate between adapted or original screenplay.
Presenting the award, is Critic Choice Award present and Super Bowl winning head coach Sean McVay. The bros in attendance, lead by their leader Cole, go wild. McVay is in a bad mood because he ordered a Buffalo Chicken Wrap no tomatoes but it came with tomatoes. The server said they can remake it no problem but it’s been like 25 minutes and McVay hasn’t ate all day. On top of that, he super worried he’s going to botch some of these names. Here are the nominees (winner in bold):
Ryusuke Hamaguchi and Takamasa Oe, Drive My Car (Not at Buffalo Wild Wings but in Chicago enjoying the fantastic dining scene.
Paul Thomas Anderson, Licorice Pizza (Not at Buffalo Wild Wings. He’s got like a million kids)
Jane Campion, The Power of the Dog (Not at Buffalo Wild Wings but joined via satellite on one of the thousand TVs)
Chris Bergoch and Sean Baker, Red Rocket (At Buffalo Wild Wings. Got a fifty wing platter and a two pitchers of Bud Light)
Eskil Vogt and Joachim Trier, The Worst Person in the World (Not at Buffalo Wild Wings. The B-Dubs in Oslo is much better)
Venom introduces a dance number by the firefighters from Titane.
BEST ACTOR:
Best Actor:
Please welcome last year’s Best Actress, Maria Bakalova. She has security remove six people who can’t stop doing Borat voices at her. Here are the nominees (winner in bold):
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Power of the Dog (Not at Buffalo Wild Wings. Probably at Alinea)
Adam Driver, Annette (Independently At Buffalo Wild Wings researching a role)
Andrew Garfield, tick, tick…BOOM! (At Buffalo Wild Wings. Is so excited and over orders. He also has like six Gumball Heads)
Hidetoshi Nishijima, Drive My Car (At Buffalo Wild Wings but just stayed for a drink)
Simon Rex, Red Rocket (At Buffalo Wild Wings making good friends with Andrew Garfield and all his food)
Special guest Bronco Henry from The Power of the Dog introduces a montage celebrating toxic masculinity in film. It goes over very well.
BEST ACTRESS:
Please welcome last year’s Best Actor, Delroy Lindo. In his speech, Mr. Lindo talks about frequenting this Buffalo Wild Wings when he was on The Chicago Code. Here are the nominees (winner in bold):
Best Actress (NO ONE CAME TO BUFFALO WILD WINGS AND THAT KINDA SPEAKS VOUMES ABOUT THE CEREMONY):
Olivia Coleman, The Lost Daughter
Toko Miura, Drive My Car
Renate Reinsve, The Worst Person in the World
Agathe Rouselle, Titane
Tessa Thompson, Passing
Since none of the the nominated actresses were at the ceremony, Tom Hardy accepts the award and makes a big show on how he will be personally delivering it to Agathe Rouselle and how she’s going to be in Venom 3: Cum on Feel the Noize and that they’re real close. Okay yeah sure he can keep if it if it’s going to be a big deal.
After that tense conversation, Hardy introduces the in memoriam with Baby Annette sining a heartbreaking rendition of “See You Again”
BEST DIRECTOR:
To present Best Director, please welcome Michael Mann. STANDING O EVERYONE NUTS HE TALKS FOR LIKE 20 MINUTES. Here are the nominees (winner in bold):
Best Director:
Leos Carax, Annette (At Buffalo Wild Wings. Got a Caesar Salad with Blazing Sauce on the side and a glass of the house red)
Jane Campion, The Power of The Dog (As mentioned above, is live via satellite and on delay in case she says something sus about the March Madness athletes)
Pablo Larrain, Spencer (Not at Buffalo Wild Wings. Only person to flat out decline the invitation)
Steven Spielberg, West Side Story (Not at Buffalo Wild Wings. In bed)
Denis Villeneuve, Dune (At Buffalo Wild Wings. Got ten plain wings and put his own stash of Montreal steak seasoning on those bad boys. Washed it all down with a Shock Top Belgian White)
Venom and Hardy are back in fresh suits (wing sauce incident) to tell the audience that there’s only one more award on the night and that everyone should probably close their tabs soon.
BEST PICTURE:
Here to present Best Picture, Chicago film legend Vince Vaughn. Vaughn says something weird about how COVID is over. Not the best thing to say but a bookend to the night regardless.
ANNETTE
Drive My Car
The Power of the Dog
Titane
West Side Story
Tom Hardy and Venom sitting on the bar with their bowties undone wish everyone a good night. Venom ends the show asking if he can take the leftover food home if it’s already paid for.
