Chain Restaurants that Deserve Michelin Stars
One of the few common interests my family had growing up was Anthony Bourdain. My father and I loved sports and my mother & brother were into gardening (I think, I didn’t really pay attention), we all could gather around the television and watch Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations. For better or for worse, we became a foodie family. We sojourned from our south side home into the much hipper northwest side of Chicago, as opposed to the commonly marginalized South Side, in search of the best pho or killer pork buns.
Still, much like Anthony Bourdain, we never could divorce ourselves from our taste for fast food. Buffalo Wild Wings is a very important restaurant in my family. We talk about a Wendy’s Double with Cheese the same way New York elite talk about a Pete Luger’s Steak. This juxtaposition of my two taste brackets defines me; I often joke about the number of times I have read my Michelin Guide app while eating at McDonald’s. And if I had the means to, would I eat at Grace rather than Red Lobster? Probably. Once or twice maybe. But I would not give up the low and the middle entirely. In fact, I believe they deserve their stars from the Michelin Guide. Stars should be handed out only to restaurants of extremely high quality and as someone who once spent $35 at White Castle by myself, I think I know what I’m talking about.
One Star
A very good restaurant in its category
Benihana
Get a star solely because of the onion volcano. That shit is hard, bruh. I don’t even like onions; they give me migraines but I live for that volcano.
A lot of contemporary restaurants concepts stress making the experience important and unique, but Benihana was doing that before Grant Achatz stepped foot in The French Laundry. The theatre of hibachi is a strange and interesting one but it should be lauded for saying “fuck it. Dinner is the show.”
Steak ‘n Shake
Steak ‘n Shake’s food and concept are unassailable but are in heavy danger of losing their star because of their horrendous commercials lately.
Outback Steakhouse
It’s the best chain steak house in the game and perfected the idea of starters. Aussie Cheese Fires and Bloomin’ Onions are amazing concepts that appeal to 98% of Americans. The other 2% is what I assume to be snooty New York magazine editors and the executives of Sizzler and Longhorn.
If you ask me if I rather go to Pete Luger’s or Outback, I would probably say “I need that Luger’s creamed spinach, but we gotta get a cocktail at Outback before.”
Buffalo Wild Wings
I imagine Bdubs was developed by Bono and The Edge during the POPMART tour because of how the interior of every Buffalo Wild Wings stresses sensory overload, the color yellow, and American culture wear (by which I mean football jerseys). Now I’m a hardcore jock and U2 fan, so I’m all-in already. Throw in the fact that wings are my favorite food and that this restaurant plays an extremely important role to me and my brother’s relationship with my father and you get a star. It’s higher than expected price point keeps it in the one star territory.
Two Stars
Excellent cooking, worth a detour
McDonald’s
McDonald’s is essentially perfect which is why it is held to only two stars. It should be perfect given its status. Now, I recently started putting nuggets in my burgers which made me realize that if McDonald’s wanted to design a chicken sandwich that essentially was a nugget patty, they would change the landscape of fast food TWICE in its lifetime. I can’t deny that an extra star
Jack in the Box
My next two entries are given stars because they go beyond the realm of what fast food has any business or right to do. Jack in the Box has a separate part of the menu that is for stoners at night. Um, someone call Cherly Sandberg because that’s what leaning in Their burgers are ok nut their tacos are extraordinary pieces of food. Ground beef and American cheese slices (oh yea not like a cheese mix, slices baby) belong together in the hard shell. Jack in the Box are innovators and deserve high praise.
Taco Bell
While Jack in the Box are innovators, Taco Bell is like that kid you play pick-up with that after the game is over tries to make half-court shots and succeeds. My friend Ben is lifelong Taco Bell fan and has maintained the website TacoBen.com for year. Taco Ben utilizes the pitchfork rating system for Taco Bell items and he is the true authority on Taco Bell so really can’t say anything he hasn’t said. I will, however, echo his sentiments by saying that the Cheesy Gordita Crunch with a Doritos Locos shell is like going to heaven.
Three Stars
Exceptional cuisine, worth a special journey
Popeye’s
The Popeye’s fan club is a strong one. The boy, Anthony Bourdain, even includes himself as a member. Popeye’s is one of the finest restaurants you can go to no matter where you are in the country. I firmly believe that if you take someone who has never had Popeye’s and served them Popeye’s at a fancier restaurant a la those Pizza Hut commercials, 9 out of 10 of them would say “this is the best fried chicken I’ve ever had in my life.” Even today as southern food has become the biggest trend in America (I wish I counted the amount of Southern food joints in Brooklyn when I visited a girlfriend there last year), Popeye’s remains the standard I will compare any fried chicken too.
Wendy’s
The widely accepted big three of fast food joints is McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s. While Burger King surely sees itself in competition with McDonald’s, Wendy’s sees itself as a half step above them in terms of quality because of their much-advertised ethos of “always fresh, never frozen.” This would usually be distasteful and pretentious but Wendy’s is the best restaurant in America. They’re Spicy Chicken Sandwich is the best food in the world. You can’t beat it. It’s perfection. A cut above. Even Wendy’s more esoteric offerings like chili and baked potatoes are fantastic. Go down the Wendy’s menu and find something that isn’t delicious. Personally, I don’t think you can but if you do, you’re going deep into the menu.
